Rules of Successful Living: “It takes more than one milkshake to keep down a Vicodin.”

So I’ve realized (given how long I’ve gone without posting—sorry!) that it’s time to create a new series of posts here on the old blog. I needed something that would get me excited about writing again. I came up with this, the Rules of Successful Living. It’s something I came up with when I was an undergraduate, because I like lists and I figured it was a good way to channel my Type A perfectionism into something sane and healthy. There are currently 31 rules, ranging from the silly to the serious, and I’ll be walking you through them over the next however long it takes to get through them all. So, let us begin.

There will be an exam.

There will be an exam.

Rule 1: It takes more than one milkshake to keep down a Vicodin.

via Platicrevolverm, Flickr

via Platicrevolverm, Flickr

I would like to preface my explanation of this rule by saying that I am not a pill addict. I am very decidedly not Dr. House, not least because 1) I’m a nice person and 2) I don’t have a medical degree (or his sick jazz piano skills). I did, however, get my wisdom teeth removed the summer before my junior year of college.

I actually didn’t mind having my wisdom teeth taken out. I’ve had my fair share of teeth pulled as a kid, so the dentist’s chair holds no horrors for me. Plus, I got the happy gas! The main thing I remember from the actual event was thinking “Don’t say anything stupid. Don’t say anything stupid.”

You don't want to be this kid.

You don’t want to be this kid.

Afterwards, my mom and I went to the grocery store to pick up plenty of applesauce and ice cream—and my prescription for Vicodin. Once we were back at the house, she went back to work, and I went to the basement to watch a marathon of Rizzoli and Isles through a narcotics-induced haze.

Don't look so surprised; it's actually a really fun show. (via TNT)

Don’t look so surprised; it’s actually a really fun show. (via TNT)

The next day, I thought I was feeling mostly better, though obviously still in some pain. I made myself a milkshake for breakfast, because that is the great privilege of having your wisdom teeth taken out. The only problem with this plan? A single milkshake is not really a meal, and a meal is what you need when you’re taking Vicodin. Otherwise, the Vicodin gets angry, and you end up covering the bathroom floor in a partially-digested pills-and-milkshake cocktail, and then feeling really paranoid that now you’re going to get dry sockets.

Yeah. It was not a good morning.

Yeah. It was not a good morning.

So remember, boys and girls: if you’re going to take (prescribed) pain medication, try not to take it on an empty stomach.

 

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